


Hollow

by Mister_Spock



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Grief, Miscarriage, baby loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23777497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Spock/pseuds/Mister_Spock
Summary: Uhura and Spock deal with a devastating loss. Will it bring them closer together or tear them apart?
Relationships: Spock/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 24
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Deals with loss of pregnancy. This isn't a happy topic and I don't even know why I had this idea but it sort of popped in my head, fully formed and I decided to go with it. I'm hoping that I can portray an accurate account of a parent's grief at the loss of an unborn baby and that both mother and father are seen to be human (even when one of them is only half-human).  
> Please review if you can. 
> 
> *****Obviously this story is going to upset some people so please do not read if it might upset you.*****

“Uhura, I'm really sorry. Would you like me to get one of the female nurses?”

Nyota Uhura lay on the bed in a private room on the Enterprise, her hands over her swollen stomach. She shook her head. “What happened?”

McCoy took one of her hands in his own. “You didn't do anything wrong. It was just one of those things. No one's to blame.” 

They sounded like tired cliches that all doctors pulled out in this kind of situation, she thought. “Spock?”

“I haven't called him down yet, I wanted to speak to you first. I can break the news for you if you want?”

She went to answer before realising she didn't know what she wanted. 

Could she face Spock and his blank, emotionless face? She loved him, she truly did, but he had been odd since she had found out she was pregnant.  
He hadn't been unsupportive exactly. In fact, he had done anything he could to support her and make sure she and the baby were healthy. He just didn't seem happy about it. She knew how he hid his joy and excitement as a Vulcan, knew all the tells that said, secretly, he was happy, and he hadn't been doing them.  
So, this loss, wouldn't be hard on him. She was certain. He'd be sad for her because he knew that she had been excited. Her mind was made up. “Would you? I don't think I'm ready to face him yet.” 

“Of course I will. He will probably want to see you. Do you want me to give you some time?” She nodded. Smiled and cried at the same time. “Can I get anyone to be here with you?”

“Katie?” she said, hopeful. 

“Wallis?” McCoy double-checked. He recalled seeing the women together fairly frequently. At Uhura's confirmation, he nodded. “Okay, I'll take care of it all for you. I'll give you some time and I'll come back and check on you soon.” 

“Thank you,” she said.

As he closed the door and left her alone, she broke into sobs. 

~

McCoy waited impatiently for Spock to arrive. 

Spock was punctual and efficient but waiting for him to arrive, McCoy felt like he was the slowest being who lived. McCoy was certain that whatever task had been doing at the time, he hadn't bothered to stop and he'd continued it, to its completion, probably wrote a report about it too, maybe even had some lunch and then he'd left to see McCoy. 

McCoy let out a huff. He was frustrated. Not with Spock but at the anxiety he had about telling Spock what had happened. He didn't know how he would take it. Spock and death seemed to go hand in hand since McCoy had known him. His mother, the majority of his race, Jim, Ambassador Spock.  
He needed a break from it, not yet another death. 

Bones and Spock had an antagonistic relationship.  
Those on the outside who didn't know them often took it as dislike for one another. Kirk said they were more like brothers.  
They sometimes didn't know their own limits and when to stop pushing one another's buttons. 

McCoy knew that he could be an easy target for Spock. He had a number of things that seemed to trigger him. Spock, for the most part, didn't start things but he could say something that McCoy disagreed with easily enough. Spock dealt in cold hard facts. Or, calm logic, as Kirk would call it. But despite the logic, superior intellect and everything else he had going for him, Spock did still have his own buttons that could be pushed. The latest one McCoy had only recently discovered. He knew Vulcan's lived longer than humans, easily double the length of time but he hadn't considered that Spock was still considered a teenager to Vulcan's. He'd have had more fun with it if it didn't seem to be something that jarred Spock a little more than he'd have expected.  
He'd have to save it for it he was really pissed off with him. 

When they had been stranded together on Altamid, he had really got a sense of Spock's real emotional depth. He had done his best to ignore Spock's uncharacteristic tears and while he knew that his hysterics moments later came from how sick he was when Spock plunged back into tears a little while later he knew it wasn't all there just because he was sick. It was there all the time, he just didn't allow it to show. 

The door buzzed, jarring McCoy from his thoughts and moments later, the man he'd just been thinking of came into the room.  
He looked unsuspecting, McCoy thought. He probably thought this was to arrange the latest health check, which was coming soon and on the agenda.  
McCoy motioned for him to take a seat and he didn't offer him a drink, not even as a human nicety because he was certain Spock would say no anyway. He didn't want to trivialise this in any way. 

Spock's dark eyes were upon him. He waited, silently for McCoy to begin. 

“I'm just going to get right to it. Nyota lost the baby.” 

Spock processed that information. His mouth slowly opened as if to speak and then slowly closed again. His mouth would twitch and his eyes searched. His brow pulled itself into a frown and yet he said nothing.  
Eventually, finally, he spoke. “When?”

“She was off duty and she had some spotting, which isn't uncommon, but it was more severe so she came for a check-up, just to be sure. There was no heartbeat.”

He gave Spock the information as plainly as he could and waited for Spock to digest it.  
He would have to tell Jim after he finished with Spock. Uhura was five months into the pregnancy so everyone knew. Jim would have to handle that. 

When he looked back to Spock the Vulcan was looking at him. He looked lost. “I'm really sorry, Spock.”  
He was sincere and hoped he conveyed that enough in the simplicity of the statement.  
But it quickly came apparent that Spock was looking for guidance as to how to navigate his way through this unfamiliar territory. Spock's eye contact seemed to have become something of an unfocused stare which he soon dropped to something on McCoy's desk instead of the man himself. 

“Uhura?” 

Another one-word question. He was in shock, it seemed, his mind reeling from the information. “She needs a little time right now. Let her have some rest and I'll take you to her when she's ready.” 

“She-” Spock didn't seem to progress from the statement, his eyes darting back and forth as though he were working on the meaning of life. It took a while but he seemed to come to his senses a little more. “She.. she will have to give birth.” 

McCoy thought it was a question, but said as a statement. He answered anyway. Spock's voice sounded so hollow he wanted to scrub his brain out to remove all traces of it. “Unfortunately she will.” He hesitated to say more but went ahead anyway. “Sometimes it helps with the grieving, to go through birth. It's more of a complete cycle for the mother to go through.” 

“I think-” Spock stood after those two words and stayed where he was. He didn't know what to do. His mouth was open and not saying anything and then he turned and headed for the door. 

“Spock?” McCoy called out after him, but the other man had gone. He quickly went and checked and found that he had headed away from sickbay. He was probably returning to his quarters which is what McCoy hoped, as long as he didn't try to see Nyota then that was good enough for now. 

He would check on Spock soon enough, but he needed to tell Jim first and he wanted to check on Uhura. They both had to deal with this loss but she was the one who was carrying it. She was the one whose body was preparing to birth a child and that had been snatched away from her. Plus she would have the extra guilt that she had provided the incorrect body for her own baby to survive in.  
Nyota was a smart woman and he knew her intelligence would help, but she would blame herself. 

~

Jim was finishing his shift when he met McCoy at the other end of the turbo-lift. 

“Hey Bones,” he said cheerfully, seeing his friend. “I was just about to grab some lunch, you coming?” 

“I need to talk to you about work,” Bones said. “Why don't you get lunch first and meet me in my quarters at about 13.00?” 

Kirk nodded “Okay, I'll see you later.” 

Bones forced the most genuine smile he could and headed for Spock's quarters. He knew Nyota had Lt Wallis with her currently and wanted to check in with Spock. He'd planned to tell Jim straight away but he wouldn't tell him before lunch. Jim knew if it had been urgent, Bones wouldn't have let it wait. 

Spock seemed to have started to process things a little, or he was trying to anyway. It seemed to involve a lot of pacing and muttering things to himself that McCoy couldn't understand. He offered Spock silent support until it was time to meet with Jim. He'd come back again later, he promised Spock. 

Bones arrived at his quarters to find Kirk casually waiting outside. “You were visiting Spock too?” Kirk said, having seen the doctor emerge from the quarters next to his own. 

“Just waiting for you,” McCoy said and they both headed inside. He ordered the doors to be locked. He and Spock shared a bathroom and if he wanted too, Spock could gain access into McCoy's room. He never did but the fact that he could worry Bones right then, even though it was, in Spock's often used term, illogical. He pulled out a seat for Jim and took the other for himself. He poured them both a drink while he started talking. “They lost the baby,” he said simply. 

“What?” Jim said, shocked. 

“Uhura had some bad bleeding and when I checked there was no heartbeat.” 

“Damn,” Kirk said. “How are they?”

“As you'd expect I guess.”

“Wait, Spock's not with Uhura?”

“She didn't want to see him straight away. I think she needed some comfort from a friend first.” 

Kirk's brow creased. “Damn,” he muttered before a more forceful “Damn!!” Kirk knocked back the drink and held the glass out for another which he followed straight down before he left the glass on the desk and got up. “How's Spock?”

McCoy puffed out air from his mouth. “Processing. It's like waiting for a file to download,” he gently teased. 

Kirk barely listened to his friend. “I'm going to request emergency shore leave for the crew. This is gonna kill morale.”

Jim had a lot of different levels to process this. As a friend to both of them, as a Captain and what it meant to lose both of them from their positions temporarily and then also the overall effect on the rest of the crew.”I'm gonna go and get some things sorted. Do you need anything from me?” 

McCoy shook his head. “Maybe just check in with them both tomorrow?” He wanted to give them both a chance to get over the shock of what had happened. 

“Yeah, of course,” Kirk said. “Thanks, Bones,” he said patting the other man on the arm as he stood and left. 

~

“Nyota?” 

No one said her name like Spock did. There was a certain poetry to the way the words came together in his mouth that most humans just could not replicate. She closed her eyes at the sound of it as a tear leaked from her eyes. 

Katie was still sat in the chair beside the bed, holding Uhura's hand in both of hers. Sadness radiated from her face but a strong resolve too. “I can stay if you want me to. I'll make him go,” she said softly, for Nyota's ears only. 

Spock heard her of course, his hearing was immaculate but he pretended he didn't. 

“It's okay. Thank you for being with me,” Nyota said softly. Katie smiled and hugged her friend and as she pulled back she kissed her forehead. “I'll come back tomorrow,” she promised and she moved past where Spock still stood in the doorway, waiting for her permission to come in. 

Nyota couldn't find her voice but nodded at Spock. She wasn't ready to see him but she knew she never truly would be. In stark contrast to Katie who rushed to her side and cried with her, Spock stood at a distance and couldn't look at her.  
This was why she hadn't wanted him here with her. “Sit down,” she said. It might have sounded harsher if she's had the energy for it. She wasn't mad at him, she was just tired. So damn tired. 

“I am sorry,” Spock said. He was eyeing her bump and his eyes didn't leave it.

She swallowed harshly. “My face is up here,” she said with dark humour that was lost on him and he tore his eyes away from it and locked with hers. His eyes were a mirror of the indescribable pain and loss in her own and they both looked away from one another, as though the hurt was just too much to bear.  
When she had the strength to look again, Spock's eyes were back on the bump and, out of habit, she put her hands protectively over it. “It doesn't feel any different,” she said, she thought her voice might sound empty. She doubted Spock would notice. 

A spark of anger flared in her. The only thing she could focus on other than her loss was Spock and his indifference to her pregnancy to begin with. “Why weren't you excited?” she asked him. 

His eyes travelled up to hers again, for a moment. “I was.” 

“I slept beside you nearly every night. You wouldn't go near me. Does pregnancy revolt Vulcans?” She questioned but not giving him a chance to answer she continued. “It's fine if that's the case, I know there are a lot of things Vulcan's don't like to talk about. It's not exactly your fault.” There was an accusation in those words. 

“Pregnancy is... a wonderful thing,” Spock eventually said. He was slow to respond and careful with his words. Uhura didn't know if it were for his own benefit or for hers. 

“Just my pregnancy then?” she frowned. 

“I am sorry if I did not give you the support you needed-” Spock started. 

“That's not what I want to hear, Spock.” Focusing on him, what he did wrong helped her feel something. It was hurtful and for now, it was something other than loss, so she grabbed for it with both hands.  
She looked at him carefully. He looked lost. “You don't know how to do this, do you?” 

“Do you?” 

“I just want to know why you …. you didn't care?” The emotion escaped her then, was clear for him to hear. 

Something twisted painfully in Spock's side. He had failed. Failed horribly. “Nyota, of course I cared,” he said. “I was... I was disappointed in myself that the pregnancy came about after Pon Farr.” he said, trying to explain. 

She took a moment, processing what he said. “So... you didn't want the baby?” She misunderstood his sentiment. 

“No,-”

“No?”

“That is not what I meant. I-” But he did not say anything more. It was as though he were physically unable to say another word. He was frozen. 

Uhura seemed to realise that, after a few moments waiting for him to explain himself. “You should just go,” she said eventually. Any anger that had been there before had left her. She was just tired. She wanted to sleep. And cry. 

He shook his head but he still couldn't bear to speak a word. 

“Please, Spock. Please go,” she asked, almost begged him. 

The door behind them opened as McCoy stepped inside. “Spock, I told you to wait-” he started but the Vulcan turned and left. 

McCoy had no idea what had happened but he saw Uhura crumble and he went to her side and held her as she wailed.  
For her loss. For her baby. 

~

McCoy was laying on the bed, Uhura cradled against him, her eyes closed but not sleeping. He'd held her while she cried.  
She felt like she'd never stop but eventually, she couldn't cry any more. The pain was still there, undeniably so, but she just couldn't cry. 

Once enough time had passed, McCoy gently started to talk to her. “Are you okay?” it was a stupid question given the circumstances but he expected the answer he got. “No.”  
“Jim's trying to get some emergency shore leave sorted. Get you and Spock off the ship if you like?” 

“I don't know that I want to go anywhere. And I don't know that me and Spock are even a thing any more.” 

McCoy held her a little tighter. “Come on, neither of you broke up with another, right?” 

I don't know,” Uhura said. She sounded defeated. 

“He looked broken when he left,” McCoy said. 

She thought about Spock's words. “He said he didn't want the baby because Pon Farr. Little bit late afterward, isn't it?” 

McCoy detected anger in her tone. It was to be expected. “Did he say why?” 

“He just froze up,” she closed her eyes and rested her head against him. 

“I can see how that would hurt considering that is how you got pregnant. But maybe there's more too it. Give yourselves a little time and then talk, okay?” 

She nodded. Knew he was right. She dissolved into sobs again. “I thought we were safe.”

McCoy kissed the top of her head, feeling every moment of her pain. “I know you did.” 

~

Spock left Uhura as she asked him too but he didn't know what to do once he left. 

Everything made him want to go back inside and hold her. But even he knew he was so fundamentally not emotionally prepared to comfort her right now. 

“Spock?” Came a familiar voice. He couldn't place it but he knew it, so he turned towards it. 

The Captain came over to him. Apparently, he had been waiting. “Come with me,” Kirk said as he gently took Spock by the elbow and took him into the closest conference room. He had to physically push Spock into a seat and then got him a glass of water.  
It remained in front of Spock, untouched. 

“How is she?” Kirk asked. 

“She is upset.” 

“Yeah,” Was all Kirk could say. Spock struggled to control his emotions at the best of times. Jim didn't know how to handle it. No one would really want to talk about such a personal thing anyway, but with Spock he was always aware of his control.  
He had, after all, been on the receiving end of Spock's emotional outburst and it did not feel good. True, he had been provoking it, but after all the loss Spock had suffered maybe it had made his resolve weaker, not stronger. “I don't know what to do,” Kirk admitted. “Is there anything you need me to do for you?” 

Spock shook his head. “I think I would like to go back to my quarters and meditate.” 

Kirk nodded. “Of course, I'm heading to my quarters now. I'll accompany you.” He didn't ask, he wanted to make sure he intercepted anyone who may consider talking to Spock along the way. Spock didn't object and the pair left together. 

~

By the following afternoon, Kirk had discreetly held meetings with the staff about the situation with Uhura and Spock. Both of their shifts had been covered, Spock's for a week, Uhura for two, but he hoped to get authorisation for the shore leave anyway and it wouldn't matter. He doubted that Spock would agree to spend a week off duty but he would deal with that when and if he had too. 

He had also gone to Uhura as her first visitor that morning. She'd cried. He had joined her. They said very little. He held her hand comforted her the best he could. 

Later that morning, he had a meeting with McCoy and they discussed Uhura's condition. McCoy outlined his plan to go through the birth with her later that afternoon and that they would discuss what she and Spock wanted to do with the baby. He didn't know- and couldn't find out- if Vulcan's had any practices with such a loss and there was no saying that Uhura would consider it right now. Her grief was consuming her right now and she still had to go through a very difficult process. Being forced to birth your dead baby was horrific and it was something that, despite what anyone told her, she would have to do alone. They could support her, hold her hand through it but it was she who had to deliver it still, knowing what the outcome was. 

Jim busied himself with duty but he watched the time. He could barely keep him mind off of Uhura's plight. It was unfair. Couldn't they have this one thing? Would it really have screwed up some universal plan to have allowed them their happiness? 

He needed a drink at the end of this shift

~

It was over. 

The worst thing she would ever have to do. 

McCoy had been with her through it all, just one nurse assisting. Spock was there too, a vague, shapeless lump in her peripheral vision. McCoy offered her the comfort she needed while the nurse took care of the birthing of the baby. 

Uhura knew as soon as it was over it was the end of everything.  
She felt as though she would fall to pieces and couldn't stop herself from letting the tidal waves of grief and loss out. McCoy held her tightly, never wavering for a minute. 

The nurse told Spock she was going to clean the baby up and they could spend some time with her. He nodded mutely. Uhura barely remembered he was there. The nurse wrapped the baby in a blanket and put a small hat on her head. She cradled her like the delicate and precious bundle that she was, she smiled brightly at the baby, even though she knew the heartbreak of the situation. She showed the baby to Spock but gave her to Uhura who was desperate to hold her baby when she saw her. 

She would have bet she couldn't have cried any more that day, but she could. She wasn't done by a long shot. 

“We'll give you some time together,” McCoy said and he left with the nurse. She didn't even look to see if Spock stayed or went but eventually, he moved closer, slowly, as though she might scream at him to leave forever. 

She talked quietly to the baby. She never wanted to let her go. The feeling of holding her in her arms was something she hadn't realised she craved until she had it. It made the loss even harder. Eventually, Spock right beside the bed by now, she looked at him. 

“Would you like to?” 

He still looked like he had done yesterday. Heartbroken and shocked, but he nodded his head and she carefully passed the bundle to him. She missed her the second she was gone. Spock didn't talk. He just looked at her and held her, for longer than Uhura thought he would. He too seemed to not want to let her go. Her behaviour with him yesterday came back to taunt her. She hadn't been that patient with him and she wished she had. She felt fresh tears in her eyes and she reached for Spock's hand, to touch him.  
He misread the touch as her want for the babies return and passed her back. Uhura took her even though she wanted to tell him he didn't have to give her back yet, but she wanted her back, she missed her. Her arms ached for her return. She settled her in her arm again and reached for Spock again. 

“I'm sorry,” she said. Her emotion, her loss and devastation hit her again. It kept coming in like waves and she didn't think it would ever end. 

Spock just shook his head and held her hand. He couldn't offer the same support of her human friends but he still loved her and he still cared for her and he was the only other person in the universe that felt how she did right now. They stood like that for a long time until Uhura moved over on the bed and patted it for him to join her. He did and she held the baby closer to him. 

They stayed like that until McCoy returned and said he needed to take the baby. He gave them another few minutes more together and then returned and collected the tiny bundle from them. “I'll take good care of her,” he promised them. 

“Thank you,” Uhura said. 

~


	2. Chapter 2

Kirk sat beside McCoy at the extremely intimate ceremony.

Besides from two of Uhura's closest girlfriends and Spock and Uhura themselves, no one else attended. They had even decided to have a pre-recorded service, rather than a qualified crewmember go through it. Kirk thought he could understand that. Uhura and Spock were high ranking members of the crew. Seeing either of them at such a vulnerable time for them would be strange. 

Uhura was doing well. She was upset but her friends supported her brilliantly throughout. Kirk was incredibly proud of her, her resilience and strength always impressed him but never more than today.  
Spock on the other hand looked as though he'd never come across an emotion before in his life. He'd pushed it all down so much so that Kirk couldn't feel any of that warmth and personality from Spock he had come to know over the years. He was almost robotic but Kirk knew it was how Spock needed to process this, how he'd cope with today. 

Afterwards, they went into a different room where they could talk a little together. Spock approached her not long afterwards and touched her arm briefly before he left. Clearly it was just a courtesy to let her know he was leaving. 

Jim went to Uhura and have her a gentle hug. “Thank you for coming,” she said. 

“Of course,” he said. “How are you holding up?”

She nodded and swallowed. “I was kinda dreading today but I got through it,” she smiled weakly. 

“You're doing great,” he said. “I just can't imagine-” he trailed off, not wanting to upset her. 

“How's Spock?” 

“Well he was meditating for a long time in preparation. I think he needed to distance himself from the reality as much as he possibly could while being here.” 

Kirk nodded. “Yeah, he was pretty distant.” 

“It's hard for him. He's trying to live up to what's expected from him,” she sighed sadly. “Would you go check on him?” 

“Of course,” he said. 

~

He found Spock, in a bathroom not far from where they'd had the service. 

The smell told him Spock had been sick, and despite his usual pasty appearance, Spock actually managed to look worse than normal. Kirk ordered the door to be locked as Spock washed his mouth out with water from the sink. 

Kirk didn't say anything, just waited. When the water stopped, he turned to the other man.  
“You did yourself proud today.”

“I did not support Nyota as I should have,” he said, shaking his head to disagree with Kirk's statement. 

“She had support. She's okay,” 

“She is not okay,” Spock insisted. 

Jim didn't know what to say to that. Maybe Uhura was just good at putting on a brave face and getting through it. And really, he knew she was devastated still. It had been days. “No, of course she's not,” Jim conceded. “And neither are you. And it's okay.” Spock didn't react to that. He was building his defences back up again, Kirk could tell. Whatever he needed to do to get through this, Kirk would support him. “We're heading for Shore Leave. We've got a week.”

He couldn't tell what Spock was thinking. His reactions were minimal at the best of times. “Yes,” Spock said. “Thank you.” 

“I'm going to go back. Are you coming back? Just so I can tell Uhura either way.” He didn't want her to be worried about Spock. 

“I shall be back shortly.” 

~

Spock was late to arrive back in his quarters. So late Uhura thought he wasn't coming.  
She couldn't sleep anyway so she was reading. 

He went through his nightly routine and she didn't say anything. He climbed into bed beside her and lay as far from her as he could without being on the very edge of the mattress. She put her book down and looked across to him.  
His expression was blank. He'd put all that emotion back where it should be. It had taken days of meditation but he had done it. She hoped this wouldn't ruin that. 

“I don't want to fight with you, but I need to know why you felt like you did about the baby,” she said. 

“Please allow me to apologise for causing you pain. I did not handle myself and my emotions in an adequate way,” he said. “Of course I shall explain. I did not want a child conceived out of Pon Farr. It seemed-” he sought out the correct word. “Barbaric to have something so special come from an act near aggression that I can not control.”

She could understand that. Spock in Pon Farr was completely different to the Spock she knew. “You weren't aggressive,” she told him. She knew he'd been apprehensive about his time, the lack of control. He had expressed to her beforehand that he might hurt her. But he hadn't. He'd been gentle and loving just more passionate than usual., more insatiable. But she certainly hadn't minded that at all. 

“I was not in control. There were times when we were making love where I had no choice in what I did to you,” he explained. 

“But I trusted you. 100% and I still do.” 

“You're forgiveness is the greatest gift,” he said and he kissed her shoulder gently, head bowed, eyes averted. “There were many things to do with this baby that I did not want. But I always wanted it. And I always wanted you.” 

“Spock, you will always have me,” she told him. She gently tilted his head up and kissed him. “You can tell me anything, I want you to know that. Even if if shames you, I will never judge you.” 

“I do not deserve you,” he told her. 

“You deserve the best, so you get me,” she said, her words gently reflecting her light humour. 

Strengthened by her words, Spock spoke again. “I had other misgivings about a pregnancy at this time,” he said. 

Uhura wasn't sure this was the time for him to tell her everything wrong with their intended plans but she couldn't stop him now. “Okay,” she encouraged gently. 

“I believe it is too dangerous for you to carry a child while on the Enterprise, and that when we decide the time is right, you should be settled somewhere.” 

“What about you?” He hadn't stated what he planned to do. Did he think she would stay home and raise children while he flew off on missions for years at a time? 

“These are just the thoughts that I had. If you disagree or object, or have your own opinions then we shall combine them all, to work together.” 

“Okay,” she conceded. So far, his one want was a safe and sensible suggestion. “Anything else?” she encouraged. 

“Only one. That we should be married, bonded, or both.”

They had never really spoken seriously about either it but she did want that and knew he did too. “Okay. I agree.” 

They fell into silence for a while before Uhura spoke again. “Being here with you like this, it almost feels normal again.” 

“It will be normal again,” Spock assured her. 

“You're certain of that?” 

“I have no doubt.” 

~

Nyota sat in McCoy's office. 

He had told her to come in and wait while he finished a couple of quick admin tasks. She looked around the office while she waited for him. His office was mostly sparse and professional but she could see a few personal touches here and there. 

“Sorry about that,” McCoy said, turning his attention to her. “This is just an informal catch up. How are you?”

She nodded. She'd been considering that question since he asked her to meet with him that day. “I'm okay. I think I've accepted what happened.”

“Well that's a good start. I wanted to talk to you about how we want to support you going forward. Counselling and whatever else you might need but I need to go through something else first.”

“Okay,” she said, letting the doctor know she was okay and trusted him. 

“We had done some non-invasive tests on the baby to determine the cause and I have those results here, if you want to see them.”

“Oh,” was all she could think to say. 

“Can I give you my opinion as a friend and your medical advisor?” 

She nodded. 

“Don't look at them.”

“Why?” She trusted him but she wanted him to give her something more than just that. 

“Because I don't think it's the right time for that information. And you can revisit it later on, when things aren't so fresh.”

“I can cope with the truth,” she told him. 

“I know you can.”

He didn't say anything else and she understood. “Thank you,” she said and reached over to him. He smiled and held her hand for a moment. The moment passed and they seamlessly went back from friends to a professional relationship again. 

“So, moving on-”

~

Spock knew that Jim felt he should be with him as much as possible right now. 

He often, but not always, had lunch with McCoy and now, he kept turning up whenever Spock went for lunch or he outright asked him to join him. Spock didn't mind really, except he didn't always want to eat but he would get a beverage at the very least. It was nice to have another's company in a social setting.  
And he meant well, even if sometimes Spock would prefer peace and quiet.  
It wasn't always what was best for him. 

It was before their shift started on his day. Coffee for Jim and Spock had a very light breakfast. McCoy called it a rabbits diet salad before as it was a mixture of various leafy vegetation.  
It was quiet, a few other groups sat around the room but overall, the room was quiet. It was probably why he picked it up. He didn't mean too. People, when they were wanting to hide something from someone, seemed to project more. 

“.... only half Vulcan, it's going to be something up with him,” 

Spock couldn't help the slight gasp and Kirk looked up at him straight away. “Are you okay?” he asked. He used a gentle, light hearted tone so Spock didn't feel any of Jim's worry come through. 

“Yes,” he answered, quickly. Too quickly, Jim thought. “I am somewhat cold today.” 

Jim smiled. “Why don't you work in the labs today? Or for some of the shift anyway. We're still half a day away from shore leave. There's nothing happening on the bridge.” 

“Perhaps I shall,” Spock conceded. Jim made the offer as Spock could change the temperature to suit himself if he was working alone. If he was on the bridge, it would be ship standard and clearly that wasn't warm enough right now. “I think I shall go now,” Spock said, dismissing himself. 

Jim nodded towards him and watched him leave, the smile vanishing with his first officer. 

~

“What's wrong?” Uhura asked him. 

They had been together in the room for less than half an hour and Spock had been unusually quiet. 

“I wish to ask Doctor McCoy the reason for the loss of our child,” he said. She could tell he'd been thinking about it for some time.

“Why?” Uhura asked. She had a good idea why. The same reason McCoy asked her not to look at the results. 

“I believe that it is likely a defect from my genes that caused the death. Therefore-”

“Spock, I don't think I'm ready to be quite so analytical about it yet.”

“But we must know,” he insisted. 

“Why?”

“Perhaps there is a way to compensate.”

Nyota turned towards him more and purposely took his hand between hers. “What would you say to me if McCoy had told me that the loss was down to me.” Spock went to refute her claim. “Theoretically. I don't know anything more than you do.”

“That would not be your fault,” Spock told her, his brows creased with concern that she may be blaming herself. 

“Just as it wouldn't be yours.” 

If anything, the frown got deeper. He took a deep breath before he spoke as though he were about to explain something terribly complex. “It is not about blame, obviously. I am looking for a way to ensure a successful pregnancy in the future.” 

“I know. But you know what? Having a child with you is not everything to me. Being with you is. If we can't have a child together, then we can adopt. Maybe we can look into it but sometimes advances that have been made are so... insensitive to the parents. We can, one day when we're ready, look for some help. But I don't want either of us to feel like we're lab rats. I don't want to run through tests and have everything about me checked and tested and compared to 'normal'. We're both good enough. Sometimes, I believe there's a different path set for us. And I think we won't know until we get there.” She kept eye contact with him the whole time, didn't let go of him. She wanted him to know. 

He blinked and looked down, slowly and carefully pulled away from her. “I cannot allow you to miss out on the one of the greatest joys of life.” 

“No, what you can not do is tell me what to do. I would like to have a child with you, it's true. But it won't define my life if we don't have one. I won't be incomplete. I'll be happy. The question is- will you.”

~

“Why's Spock cold?” Jim asked as he dropped into the chair in McCoy's quarters. 

“Is this a joke? Is there a punchline?” McCoy shot back. He was pouring drinks for them both and handed one over to Jim. 

“Seriously.”

“Well if he's cold when he isn't usually cold he's probably stressed. And considering what they're going through right now, stressed seems pretty acceptable.” 

“Isn't there anything you can do?” 

“He's fine. It's just part of the process he needs to go through. If I were worried, I'd be doing something, trust me.”

“How's Uhura?”

“She's okay. I think she's dedicating her time to making sure Spock's okay rather than dealing with it herself right now. But it's a way of coping as well. I had by bereavement chat with her as well about what we're going to do to support her.” 

“Did it go okay?” 

“Yeah it was a lot more shifting the focus off of herself and onto Spock, which is what I expected. Ashe just needs to realise that she has to grieve as well and I think she will. They just need to do it in there own way.” Silence fell between them. 

“They'll be okay, won't they?” Jim asked. 

Bones nodded. “Yeah, I think they'll be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really disappointed the story didn't seem to resonate with many people.


	3. Note

I left out a part of what I was going to write in this story which was about Spock having created a bond with the baby.   
I wrote it in my first draft of this and, as happens on occasion, it caused an argument between the characters and I wasn't sure I wanted it to go that route. 

I meant to add it in before completing the story but it slipped my mind. I was also cautious of making it too orientated on Spock over Uhura. 

So if you think this story is fine as it is, cool, but if you would like me to add an additional chapter about that, let me know in the comments. 

Thanks.


End file.
